Life Changes that won't Change

For the last while, I have wanted to make some changes in how I live my daily life. I want to be healthier both physically and spiritually. I want to loose those extra pounds that have been sneaking up on my for the last few years. I want to start daily spending time reading my bible and praying. This is something that I have wanted to do for months. Yet I can't seem to actually accomplish it, which leaves me feeling very frustrated and discouraged. To the point that I have almost given up on trying. There is no joy in what I am doing. So how, then, can I implement something into my life when I get no joy (or at the very least satisfaction) from it? My latest attempt at exercising was to go and buy a swimming pass at the local pool. I used to love to swim and thought that if I got back to doing that, I would enjoy it and get some exercise. Thats not the case. Instead, I have been battling with myself to get up earlier in the morning and actually head to the pool to do the swim. I am not a morning person. Never have been. This is not working. Yet its either that or swim during supper time or at 9pm. Which doesn't seem like the best times either because we are usually in bed by 9:30pm and supper time is well - supper time! And I would never be relaxed enough to sleep right after swimming. Its making me so mad! It would be nice to get into a routine. Unfortunately, my work schedule makes that a bit harder and I have no idea what school/practicum is going to bring for hours.

A Prickly Pear

I am struggling to day with being bitter and feeling like a prickly pear. It seems like everything I try to do is thrown back in my face or I am left feeling unheard or wrong in the stance I have taken. I wonder how much of this feeling I am actually entitled to or how much I am making it up. Maybe its just that there have been a lot of situations that have all happened around the same time, but still. Am I really on the wrong path? Is there something other's see in me that I don't see in myself that is bad or wrong? There must be cause there are so many people, some of which are supposed to be "family" who think so. Can someone tell me what exactly it is that I am doing wrong?

On Being a Christian Clinician

Well... a few people have expressed interest in reading this paper in my discussion of being totally excited for what God has in store for me being a Christian Clinician. So I have gotten permission from those I needed to (as there are some personal quotes from an interview I did for the paper) and here it is :o) Enjoy reading! Please I encourage you to share your thoughts when you are finished. It is about 5-6 regular letter size pages so give yourself a decent block of time! 

On Being A Christian Clinician

By 

Stephanie Mang

Henri J. M. Nouwen has a very different and intriguing concept of what a healer is and how he heals or helps his patients. Some people find his idea of a ‘wounded healer’ too radical or “morbid and unhealthy” (Nouwen, 1979, p. 88). Nevertheless, I have connected with his understanding of being a wounded healer and am slowly coming to articulate how this concept of healing is truly a Christian ministry and can possibly revolutionize contemporary understandings of how counseling does and should take place. This paper will attempt to explore and combine Nouwen’s idea with other ideas I have gathered and integrate them into a reflective and informed understanding of what it means to be a clinician.

A Wounded Healer

Interestingly enough, as I started to prepare to write this paper and go through my notes from the interview I conducted with a practicing therapist and my own journal of thoughts I began to recognize themes throughout these two pieces of research that were directly from Nouwen. Both the mental health therapist, Irene Hoffmann, whom I interviewed, and myself identified themes of wanting to walk alongside others in their pain, needing to be able to ground oneself in order to be fully present with clients, and a concept of needing to be “fully put together” to truly be able to help others.

            Nouwen (1979) introduces the topic of being a wounded healer through a story about a minister who only unbinds and rebinds one wound at a time instead of them all at once in order to be ready if he is needed. “Since it is his task to make visible the first vestiges of liberation for others, he must bind his own wounds carefully in anticipation of the moment when he will be needed. He is called to be the wounded healer, the one who must look after his own wounds, but at the same time be prepared to heal the wounds of others” (Nouwen, 1979, p. 82). A clinician can indeed still be a liberator (or healer) even if he has his own wounds. Often there is a pervasive concept within society that healers need to whole, put together, and not suffering from mental illness or other mental disorders. Up until reading Nouwen’s book, I often wondered myself if I could be a healer because I have a history of depression and still, in fact, quite regularly am active in dealing with it. However, through this story, Nouwen (1979) is affirming that the wounded can undeniably become healers.

            Nevertheless, becoming a wounded healer is not simply just healing through one’s pain or experience, it is more complicated than this. “For a deep understanding of his own pain makes it possible for him to convert his weakness into strength and to offer his own experience as a source of healing to those who are often lost in darkness of their own misunderstood suffering” (Nouwen, 1979, p. 87). One needs to understand and accept their own pain before they are able use it as a source of healing for others.            

When I read this section of Nouwen’s book I thought of the following analogy: an individual can think of oneself as being a house with all its different rooms, dark corners, and attic. Any dark corners, the attic, or completely closed rooms represent the things of ourselves that we do not like, bad past experiences, mental illnesses, and anything else we do not want others to know about. When we invite someone into our homes (through relationships) they are normally only allowed into the ‘acceptable’ portions of the house. What Nouwen (1979) is saying is that a healer needs to first be comfortable within the whole of their house, know what each of those unacceptable portions of the house are, acknowledge them, become comfortable with them, and finally allow others into those places when needed. He used the concept of “hospitality” to explain to his readers: “it [hospitality] requires first of all that the host feel at home in his own house, and secondly that he create a free and fearless place for the unexpected visitor” (Nouwen, 1979, p. 89). To be truly hospitable one needs to allow others into their home at any time and be comfortable in allowing that visitor to explore any room he wishes to.

Irene Hoffmann, whom I interviewed, also alluded to this concept. Irene works work in a community based counselling clinic as a "Generalist" (working with people across the lifespan). In talking about some of the challenges she has encountered in her practice, she identified the need to remain honest with oneself about how different client problems are affecting your own “stuff” (Hoffmann, 2010). Self-awareness of one’s own biases and ‘stuff’ is an important piece to becoming a clinician. “When our souls are restless, when we are driven by thousands of different and often conflicting stimuli, when we are always ‘over there’ between people, ideas, and the worries of the world, how can we possibly create the room and space where someone else can enter freely without feeling himself an unlawful intruder?” (Nouwen, 1979). Without the ability or desire to engage in self-awareness clinicians will have a hard time in fully supporting their clients and the ability to enter into and create a sacred space with them. Which leads me into the second aspect to being a clinician – entering in and sharing community with one’s clients.

Community

            In my interview with Irene, I asked her what motivated her to be a clinician in the first place. She answered, “it was an honor and privilege to be a part of someone’s process” (Hoffmann, 2010). For Irene, she started as a youth worker, which evolved into social work and eventually lead her to counseling (Hoffmann, 2010). The aspect of coming alongside another and being privileged to spend time with them on their journey was, and still is, incredibly honoring to her.

            My own journey has included a desire for community. Part of the reason and attraction towards becoming a clinician myself was from the lack of community and support I experienced when I first started my struggle with depression. “The fact that I was surrounded by Christian people but so unhappy…did not sit right. It was not right. And that nobody would talk to me [and there was] no one and nowhere for me to acceptably talk to. That hurt. I want to change that. I want those who are legitimately hurting to be healed or at least find comfort and support” (Mang, 2010). Lack of community or someone who was willing to talk to me about my struggle compels me to change this scenario and hopefully become for others what I always wanted – someone to come alongside me.

In a listing of what I thought it meant to be a clinician I wrote: “be available to all; to listen; to not condemn; to create a sacred space; to be a companion; to help people sort through their issues; to be a sounding board; to guide those who are in the dark; less about structure and plans – more about being in the moment and holding attention to what is happening; [and] to be God’s hands” (Mang, 2010). In hindsight, I think each of these descriptions accurately describes some aspect of community. As Nouwen (1979) wrote, “a shared pain is no longer paralyzing but mobilizing”. As clinicians, we can create a space where we can become companions to hurting individuals. Knowing that someone understands or simply just knows your story and is willing to listen to you is hugely comforting to someone who is struggling. The therapeutic relationship – as theorists describe it – is often more important to the outcome of counseling then the specific interventions or treatment plans a counselor uses.

Giver of Hope

            Christian community is unique in that it can offer more then simply shared pain, it can offer a hope of healing (Nouwen, 1979). The Christian counselor is providing more then just community for his patients, he is also providing a hope of what is to come when Jesus Christ returns and in one’s afterlife. Nouwen (1979, pg. 94) writes, “A Christian community is therefore a healing community not because wounds are cured and pains are alleviated, but because wounds and pains become openings or occasions for a new vision. Mutual confession then becomes a mutual deepening of hope, and sharing weakness becomes a reminder to one and all of the coming strength”. The Christian counselor is able to add, to the already great benefits of community, a hope of what is to come.

This giving of hope comes out of the understanding that not all pains and struggles are going to be relieved and healed here in this life, as a counselor will quickly come to learn. Even the Apostle Paul talks about his “thorn of the flesh” in 2 Cor. 12:7-10. He mentions three specific times when he prayed for healing and did not receive it. Unfortunately, this is also the reality in contemporary times. In my own experiences I have come to realize that unless I feel I am completely ‘whole’ and do everything right I cannot succeed as a clinician or even has a successful human being. I wrote: “we talked yesterday [in reference to a class] about what our passions are. I think mine stems around belonging without shaming and doing everything right”. Within that statement, there is a desire to be completely whole without any adverse mistakes or feelings, especially around ones that stem from my battle with depression. Unfortunately, it is completely unattainable within this life. For that wholeness to come true, and for anyone to experience wholeness, we have to wait until Christ’s second coming, before this we are only mortal and broken.

“Perhaps the main task of the minister is to prevent people from suffering for the wrong reasons. Many people suffer because of the false supposition on which they have based their lives. That supposition is that there should be no fear or loneliness, no confusion or doubt. But these sufferings can only be dealt with creatively when they are understood as wounds integral to our human condition. Therefore ministry is a very confronting service. It does not allow people to live with illusions of immorality and wholeness. It keeps reminding others that they are mortal and broken, but also that with the recognition of this condition liberation starts…When we become aware that we do not have to escape our pains, but that we can mobilize them into a common search for life, those very pains are transformed from expressions of despair into signs of hope.” (Nouwen, 1979, p. 93)

A counselor becomes involved in a healing ministry by taking away the false illusion that full wholeness can be given in this life by another person (that is, by the counselor to the counselee). When pains and sufferings are not taken away, the Christian counselor is able to direct the client towards recognizing and even embracing their afflictions in such a way that they are able understand and realize that Christ can be seen and known even amidst their suffering. “It makes visible the first rays of light of the coming Messiah… Thus, [the counseling] ministry can indeed be a witness to the living truth that the wound, which causes us to suffer now, will be revealed to us later as the place where God intimated his new creation” (Nouwen, 1979, pp. 95-96). The Christian counsellor is able to instill a hope in their clients.

Other Attributes

            I believe a large part of being a clinician involves the ability to feel compassion for others and a striving to do something about the pain and struggles others are having. Compassion is defined as “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering” (Dictionary.com, 2010). A clinician needs to be able to have compassion and empathy for their clients; otherwise they will never be able to truly help.

            As Christians, we are also called to compassion from Jesus. On numerous occasions “when he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them” (Matt 9:36 cf. Matt 14:14; 15:32; 20:34; Mark 1:41; 6:34; 8:2). Whenever a crowd gathered around Jesus he took compassion on their plight, whether it be that they were hungry, harassed, helpless, sheep without a shepherd or sick, he always did something about it. I believe in the same way counselors are called to do the same for their clients - as Irene put it “being all things to all people” (Hoffmann, 2010).

            Along similar lines, as believers we are directed by scripture to encourage one another. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up” (I Thessalonians 5:11). Hebrews 3:13 writes: “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness” and “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Heb 10:25). I believe that from these scriptures we can concur that as believers we are to encourage each other. As Christian counselors how much more important is this! Encourage, according the dictionary definition, means “to inspire someone with courage or confidence to do something… to stimulate by assistance, approval, help, or support” (Collins English Dictionary, 2009). In a very simplified version, I think we could apply this definition of encouraging someone to the definition of what a counselor does within his or her practice.

            In addition, we are called to love one another. Scripture asserts numerous times that the greatest commandment is to: “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31 cf. Matt 19:19; 22:39; Mark 12:33; Rom 13:9; Gal 5:14). A Christian counselor needs to be able to see and help all people, no matter what their race, gender, culture, skin color, age, or problem is. There cannot be extreme bias and judgment by part of a counselor. To do any less would not be loving one’s neighbor as oneself.

            Lastly, I would like to point to a passage in John. Jesus says to his disciples “anyone who has faith in me will do greater things than these” (italics add; John 14:12). Two chapters earlier (in John 11) Jesus had just raised Lazarus from the dead, yet He tells us that if we have faith in Him we will to do greater things. Christian counselors, I believe, need to remember that they have God on their side. Through prayer, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus’ promise, we can do greater things - what a wonderful thought to take with us into the counseling room!

In Conclusion

            I have begun this paper by first stating that clinicians need not be people who are “healthy and whole” but rather even those of us who have been wounded, and may still be wounded, do still have the ability to be clinicians.  Clinicians need to know themselves so thoroughly, or at the very least be engaging in the process, that they can allow others into every aspect of their ‘houses’ without bringing up their own stuff. Clinicians need to have the ability to put their selves aside in order to fully attend to the client in front of them. Furthermore, clinicians create community with their clients. They come alongside those who are hurting and broken as a companion on the client’s journey. This in and of itself is a huge privilege. Christian clinicians should also be givers of hope to their clients. They correct the false presumption of our generation that people can become completely whole and free of affliction in this lifetime, by instead encouraging them to embrace those very afflictions together and create a hope for the day in which Jesus will return and we will truly see wholeness. As “mutual confession then becomes a mutual deepening of hope, and sharing weakness becomes a reminder to one and all of the coming strength” (Nouwen, 1979, p. 94). Christian clinicians who follow in Jesus’ example will be compassionate to those around them, be encouragers, and love everyone. Lastly, as Christian counselors, we need to include God into the equation of our counseling endeavors because with Him all things are possible and Christ has promised that we will do great things.

Works Cited

Compassion. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved September 27, 2010, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/compassion

encourage. (n.d.). Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 10th Edition. Retrieved September 27, 2010, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/encourage

Hoffmann, I. (2010, September 7). "On Being A Clinician". (S. Mang, Interviewer)

Mang, S. (2010, August ). My Journal "On Being A Clinician".

Nouwen, H. J. (1979). The Wounded Healer. New York, New York: Image, DoubleDay.

All scripture references taken from the New International Version

Validation

"Invalidation of a person's most basic feelings is one of the most psychologically damaging things one person can do to the other" (Emotion-Focused Therapy, pg. 37)

    Validating what a person is feeling and going through is hugely important! Makes me think back to times when my own emotions were invalided. Feelings of depression or sadness that people always cast off or didn't believe me. That invalidation eventually lead me to believe things like I wasn't actually feeling the way I was, or I wasn't worth anything, I was wrong to feel the way I did, etc. I can definitely see how validation is a huge part of empathy. Makes sense now...

We are a broken people

       While praying before falling asleep this evening, a concept formed in my mind and it was so clear and so reaffirming that I had to get up write about it. I have always struggled with the fact that I have not "received" God's healing from my depression. Its always been a sore spot. I feel like with this depression I can not be as successful, or smart, or a good wife (and later a mother!). Its like the depression hangs over my head constantly reminding me that I am not 'whole' or that I am letting somebody down because I often have bouts of bad days, random crying spells, because I have to fight depression all the time. While praying I realized that I needed to accept the fact that I not been miraculously healed of depression. I was reminded of something Henri Nouwen said in his book "The Wounded Healer" (and I am paraphrasing his concept): "we are a humanity of broken people. The fact is that sin is in our world, it's pervasive. and because of that sin, we can never be completely 'whole' and truly 'healed'. We need to understand and accept the fact that in this time, we will never see our brokenness completely fixed. Only when Jesus comes again can that healing be fulfilled." Now he's not saying that miracles can't happen and that God doesn't grant healing to believers as he sees fit, Nouwen is just reminding us of the simple fact about our nature. People are quick to point to the effects of the fall in the garden of eden when it comes to sociopaths, crime, etc. Why not realize it also applies to mental health! WE ARE A BROKEN PEOPLE.
         But it doesn't just end there. I needed to be able to finally truly and without a doubt accept and verbalize the fact that I am broken, that I might not find true healing while on this earth, but that ITS OKAY. Wow. It was like a whole new world opened up. I was comforted in knowing that no I might not receive healing now, but I most definitely will when Christ comes again. And that just because I am broken (just like everyone else) and that my brokenness mainly takes the form of depression, it doesn't mean or dictate that I cannot be anything less to others or to God. I can be whatever I want, and I can do whatever I want just as successfully as if I didn't have depression. albeit it will probably take a lot more hard work, but I can still do it. This 'brokenness' is only something I carry while here. I know when Christ comes I won't have anymore pain, or tears, or bad days and that my heart will be full of joy always. That is something looking forward to!
       Accepting and believing and even being able to articulate to God that I was okay with not being healed right now, that I accept whenever He chooses to heal me  - either at some future date or when He returns - and that I will wait for that date, whenever it might be, was the key to the hope that I now feel. There is hope in knowing that I will be healed, maybe not know, but at some point. And power in knowing that this mental illness is only another form of my broken and sinful nature. And excitement in knowing that I don't have to let this hinder me in any way. I can be God's instrument with or without healing. And to some degree, at least in this moment, it gives me hope and encouragement to fight through the depression episodes that I know are going to rear their ugly heads again at some time.

So what is the moral of the story? Understand that a belief of "healing" in the form of being whole and completely put together (however that looks to you) is not possible in our current sinful natures. We are broken. But we don't need to let that fact hold us back. Do what you can while remembering that you may not achieve all. And most importantly strive for what is ahead. Fight for the end goal - wholeness in all it's forms when Christ returns for us once and for all!!!

Theology in Motion

"Christian faith is at bottom, trust in and obedience to the free and gracious God made known in Jesus Christ. Christian theology is this same faith in the mode of asking questions and struggling to find at least provisional answers to these questions. Faith in God revealed in Jesus Christ sets an inquiry in motion, fights the inclinations to accept things as they are and continually calls in question unexamined assumptions about God, our world, and ourselves...Christian faith asks questions, seeks understanding, both because God is always greater than our ideas of God, and because the public world that faith inhabits confronts it with challenges and contradictions that cannot be ignored. Christian faith 'causes us to think'... When faith no longer frees people to ask hard questions, it becomes inhuman and dangerous…faith seeks understanding passionately and relentlessly or it languishes and eventually dies" ~ Daniel Migliore

...Ponderings...

            You know when you know you have to do something, need to do something, should do something but continue to ignore that same something, putting it off, pretending it doesn't exist, until eventually you know you can't put it off any longer. And when you think you are ready to tackle that something, you have no idea where to start or even how to start. Thats me right now. Putting things off for so long that I really have no clue how to even start or where to begin. It saddens me to even think that I have put of this particular piece of my life for so long. Its almost shameful. It is shameful (Hah I suppose that would speak to the cryptic nature of this post and not actually naming that "thing"). Even knowing that it is shameful, I still don't know where to begin. I almost wish it was something I could quickly google the answers too like I do with everything else. Or search my textbooks for clues. But its not going to be there I know that for sure. So where do I take this? How do I begin? Maybe the deeper and actual question is do I even want to begin? I've put it off for so long what good would it do now?

         Part of this too involves a huge opportunity that has been placed before me.  Some place not everyone would get the chance at being able to go and serve. But accepting that opportunity and being a part of it makes me feel, well horrible, because it sets up a pretense of being and serving in a way I really haven't been for a long time. So I shouldn't take that opportunity. Because I haven't done the thing for so long.

         This is really making all of life so complicated! Its like either just get it over with and become who you say you are or forget about it and stop living the lie.  I don't like either choice. Can I have option C please? Without doing this everything I have been striving for for the last few years becomes meaningless. What I say I "want" to do, really wouldn't make sense anymore. I guess in many ways I know what I need to do, but I come full circle back to just needing to do it but completely dreading the doing part. Actually the whole dreading part baffles me. If someone knows they should do something, all their life is set up for that thing, they know it is good, and they feel called to something, wouldn't they want to do everything in their power to ensure they live their lives in such a way that this stuff will be fulfilled. Its like a professional athlete who has the talent to go to the Olympics, is giving everything in their lives to train in their sport, and knows without a reason of doubt this is what they are supposed to be doing, but ends up eating completely unhealthy. Ultimately it is going to bring destruction to their athleticism. But they cannot for some reason bring themselves to eat healthy. They just can't. Something huge and fearful to eating healthy again.

      Thats how I feel.

A Great Counseling Motto

"Speak little; listen much; think far more of understanding hearts and of adapting yourself to their needs than of saying cleaver things to them. Show that you have an open mind, and let everyone see by experience that there is safety and consolation in opening his mind to you. Avoid extreme severity, and reprove, where necessary, with caution and gentleness. Never say more then is needed, but let whatever you ay be said with entire frankness. Let no one fear to be deceived by trusting you.
...You should become all things to all the children of God, for the sake of gaining every one of them. And correct yourself, for the sake of correcting others"
              ~ 17th century French Theologian Fenelon (from his book Spiritual Letters to Women)

Addictions

"As natural as it is for sentient being to avoid pain, sometimes going through pain is the only way to lift the pain, to grow and develop, or quite simply to reject the powers of pain to govern our entire life. The only way to break the stranglehold of an addiction is to feel the pain that it is a defense against, the pain that we are already feeling."

~ James Hollis from Why Good People Do Bad Things

Back to School...

Its amazing the ways that God can direct us and mold us. This summer has definitely been interesting and full of ups and downs. We went through so many different ideas of where we should go, live, be and all the while wondering what exactly God has in store. I think it was worse on me. I went from having a job right out of school to being let go because I need some time off to finish a class in order to graduate (they decided it would be better to let me go then to give me the two weeks off...) After finishing my class the end of July, I began earnestly seeking a job - but nothing! I was astonished at the amount of resumes I sent out and the lack of response I was receiving. And I slowly grew disheartened that all the jobs I would really love to work at required more schooling then what I currently have. At some point during this time a seed was planned when I ended up getting an email from Providence Seminary letting me know that I still needed to register for classes! Oops I forgot to let them know I decided to not take my Masters...hmm... Guess I figured I had better email and let them know I am not coming.

Two weeks later on Friday, Rory said something to the extent of "why not just do your Masters?" I was shocked! He would be willing to put on hold some of our dreams and let me complete school? I definitely liked the idea! I got on the phone on and decided to figure out if I still had a spot at the school. Monday morning the school let me know that yes I had a spot. The rest is history! I have been busy figuring out where to live, what classes to take, school supply shopping, and getting a million other things figured out.

The weirdest part of the whole situation is how smoothly everything has gone so far. Its like I groan at the idea of having to figure out one more thing about it all (like renting or buying a place, how to pay for classes, etc, etc, etc!) but when I go to do it - it becomes as easy as one, two, three! It really attests to the idea that God does know the plans He has for us. And even though I may have deviated four months ago from the original plan of doing more school, He didn't give up and continued on with the plan bringing me back around at just the right time...

....Definitely makes me excited for not only the next three years, but what is going to happen beyond that!

An Insight

I was given some insight last night while attempting to pray and write in my journal. I was reflecting on why I was having such a hard time with wanting, or I suppose, a lack of wanting to read my bible. I wished I had my old bible, the one that was ruined when our house flooded. Something kinda clicked at this point. I think around the time that I had to part with my bible was just before I really started struggling with no longer wanting to read. It makes sense. When I went to replace my bible with a new one I really struggled with finding something, I didn't want to get a new one I wanted the one that I had to throw out... I ended up getting the same version I had before. Its mostly the same other then they have changed the cover. Yet at the same time its not the same because I no longer have my notes, highlights, quotes, and the familiarity of the old. That bible saw me through high school graduation, my first year at bible college and then three years of university, not to mention heartbreaks, sleepless nights, an engagement and numerous nights wondering if I was crazy getting married or at least making the right choice. It was given to me on my 18th birthday and I always thought I would have it forever. It would be one of those things that gets passed on to my children or grandchildren and they would be blessed with all the notes I've written in the margins and the knowledge of how worn that bible was through the many years I read from it. But thats no longer reality. Instead it soaked up as much water as it could possibly hold and had to be thrown out. Now I have a "new" bible, but its just not the same. I want the familiarity I had in being able to flip to exactly the right page to read the passage I needed to read. Instead, now I am flipping throw looking and growing more distressed because I can't find the passage i am thinking of!

I don't think I realized, until last night, how much losing that bible actually meant to me. I know I cried over it when I threw it out, but I thought afterwards I had come to terms with what happened. Obviously not. I was instead, unconsciously longing for the old by avoiding the new! Well, now I know the problem, and no it probably wasn't a healthy thing in the first place, I suppose now I can work on it.....

Wishes

I said when I started this blog that I wouldn't allow it to become what the last one was, but it seems like thats what it is becoming again. Oh well, what can you do when its the only thing that plagues you. You would that after graduating with a BA in psychology and hearing countless lectures on depression and everything that it involves I would be able to conquer this and no longer have it bothering me. Yet thats not the situation. My husband seems to think that finishing with school was a good thing and that my mood has improved. But today that is not the story. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have a funny feeling I know what the problem is, and what I need to do - or rather who I need to turn. I think I've known it for a long time, but I am scared stiff. I don't know how to approach Him, what to say, do, or even where to start. I feel like I have gotten off the track and don't know where to get back on. Or even if there is a point of trying. I'm this lost, why not just leave it be? *sigh* who am I fooling? I know I can't do that. I wish I knew what to do...

Craziness

Everything seems so crazy right now. Its that feeling that everything is spinning out of control and nothing makes sense. Maybe its because I am graduating in a month and I have so much to do, or maybe its my depression coming back. I don't know. But what I do know is that today has not been a good day. Or a good week for that matter. What am I supposed to do to get out of this funk? Nothing is appeasing and all I want to do is sleep. The more I sleep, the more tired I am though. And if I don't keep myself busy I will dwell too much on this and just end up crying. *sigh* I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, I just can't find it....

Struggles

I have always felt that I was one of those "lucky" people who know what God wants them to be doing and haven't had to wait to hear from Him. I started school, realized psychology was my calling and went for it. I just knew. But lately, I have really been questioning what the next year is supposed to bring. Maybe it's just because this "section" of my life is coming to close...or maybe I really need to stop and refocus. For the longest time I have wanted to complete my schooling. I was going to graduate with my BA and move immediately into my Masters. Why not? Seems logical right? Put it off now and things like kids will just interfere and I will never get it done - or by the time I am ready to finish the MA I will need to do serious upgrading. However, recently the notion of going back to school just is not appealing. At the moment, going to school, writing papers, and reading is just a daunting task. I don't want to be doing! And to think of doing the same thing for another three years? Yuck. So what then is the answer? Do I not go back and attempt to find a job (which isn't easy with only a BA, especially if I want something in my interests). And then there is also the fact that we want to start a family sooner rather then later. So taking time off and not doing that seems pointless. We aren't getting any younger. So then I should finish the schooling so that I can start a family and get a better job....oh the circle of "what if's" and "shoulds" and "wants".....

Pretending

     So I have had this "tic" for quite some time that just will not leave me alone. I wish I could know exactly what it is that is bothering me - but so far that realization hasn't happened yet...I just get bits and pieces of different realizations. Like this evening......

.....I was reading sections of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis for a class today and one section of the reading really struck a chord with me. Lewis was talking about "pretending" and tells this story about a man who had to wear a mask over his face for an extended period of time. Now the thing is the mask actually was a lot happier looking then what he actually was. When the time was over what he found was that his own face had actually transformed to replicate the mask. Wow. Lewis continues on to say that pretending leads up to the real thing...and that often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you already had it. Interesting enough, psychology has also demonstrated this. When people who are not happy are forced to smile (or vise versa) they actually report feeling happier afterwards. Try it for yourself! Have you ever had someone try to take your mind off your sadness by making you laugh or such? Do you find that you actually feel better? I know I do (Rory has found this weakness of mine too!) Anyhow... back to what I was saying. It was really enlightening to me that Lewis would make light of this and in a way point out that it just might be beneficial to pretend in order to eventually become what you want to be.

       For the longest time I always wanted to not be that Christian who "pretends" to be a Christian. I thought being a Christian meant that you actually needed to all the right things and do the right things, like reading your bible, praying, etc and most importantly you needed to do this things because you DESIRED to do them. And that it would be wrong to be "the Christian" if you didn't want to do these things. (Am I making any sense? I hope so!) For ages I have come to real standstill in my relationship with Christ. I won't lie. I haven't picked up my bible or truly prayed in ages. I haven't like doing it. haven't desired to. So don't right? It would be wrong to if I did....

       ...now this reading has me questioning. Maybe being Christian isn't always mean you have to emotionally be there to be "politically correct". Maybe its ok to just do it and let my heart follow when it is ready. And the whole notion of "pretending leading to becoming" might actually become helpful. No I may really not heartfelt-like want to do devotions and pray but in doing them, just maybe my "pretending" will lead to "becoming".....

25 Cute Sayings

Give God what's right...not what's left.

Man's way leads to hopeless end ......God's way leads to an endless hope. 

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. 

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone. 

In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but never let him be the period.

Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

When praying, don't give God instructions. ..... just report for duty. 

Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church. 

We don't change God's message...His message changes us.

The church is prayer-conditioned.

When God ordains, He sustains

WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

Plan ahead......It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

Exercise daily .... walk with the Lord

Never give the devil a ride...... he will always want to drive.

Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back. 

 He who angers you controls you

 Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop. 

 Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

 Be ye fishers of men..... You catch them & He'll clean them.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

*sources unknown*

Testify

What does it mean to testify? A couple weeks ago, during a sharing and testimony time, a theme emerged through the stories that were presented and it revolved around the meaning of testifying and living your life in a way that truly testifies to Christ's existence. Since that Sunday, the concept has been tickling the back of my mind....

Testify |ˈtestəˌfī|
verb ( -fies, -fied) [ intrans. ]
give evidence as a witness in a law court : he testified against his own commander | [with clause ] he testified that he had supplied Barry with crack.
• serve as evidence or proof of something's existing or being the case : the bleak lines testify to inner torment.

John 15:26-27  "When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning"

Acts 10:42 "He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead."

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

2 Timothy 1:7-9 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace."

So many verses command us to testify to who Christ is and what He did for us. The passage in 2 Timothy is especially outstanding in my mind. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord..." Paul is, in an essence, saying that God want's us to testify and he has equipped us with the tools to do so. 

Ok, so I know I am supposed to testify. But how? When one normally thinks of testifying they think of speaking vocally about something - much like someone testifies in court. But is that all there is too it? Am I to just go around shouting out testifications about the Lord to whoever is near? Not exactly my style. 

One notion present in the testimonies during the church service - is how we need to be authentic. (you might think I am on a different track with this, but hang in there, I am not). One member explicitly stated that we need to be real - we need to share our stories and share them with even the not so pretty details. She said that it is much more powerful of a testimony if someone was to speak about their journey through "rape" rather then "a dark time". Even if no other details are mentioned - the fact that we are being humble and real enough to speak to the situation without concealing it, becomes much more powerful. Can these two notions be combined? Can our life stories become a way to testify to Christ and the things he has done? 

There is an unspoken rule that I have encountered in churches - everyone must be happy and "everything is ok". As Christians, we are not supposed to discuss our times of trouble to those around us. Joy is what needs to be seen. Those "dark times" are things we share at camp during campfire or similar situations. (To really testify that Christ is real! He saved me from this! Right??) Its not stuff we discuss sunday morning. This seems so contradictory to me. We are to testify - the bible commands it (and yes we are to testify outside of the church) but are not to testify to each other? Should we not be discussing even those "unhappy" moments in our christian walk? We all know they exist!! So why not share them more often? What would be wrong in actually letting people know that no everything isn't ok and I am not overly happy this morning. Would we find that our walk maybe comes a little more personal and deeper? Especially with each other? Or is this just way to awkward and far from our normal stereotypes? 

My last point - the two people (that sunday morning) who mentioned (a) being sexually abused and (b) being in a sexually impure relationship were the two people I would never have thought they walked a dark path in their lives. They always looked like life was good, nothing was wrong, and their walk with Christ was stronger then ever. By their being straight up and telling how it was - I was definitely moved and it really solidified my struggles. I am not the only one who struggles and is living in an "in between" state. (if you are reading this and don't know some of my background this prolly wont make sense - but ask me and I will share) 

Be real. Is it possible? Is it testification? When is it appropriate or do some social rules just need to be broken and reshaped??

It's Okay

Learning never really ends. Its a continual process. Sometimes, we learn and grow with leaps and bounds. Daily changes can be seen. Other times it seems like we will never get it. Somehow, one step forward results in ten more the opposite direction...

But its okay. Stop. Take a deep breath. Now step outside of the picture. What can you see now? Yes - there it is. See that seed? It's growing still. For those ten steps backward weren't so bad. Because in the process something was still learnt. That glimmer of truth - so important it was - weaseled its way through....

Yes we are behind. But it's okay. Breathe. Cry if you need to. Now get back up and lets keep trying for there's always something new that can be learnt.

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger ..... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries, and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understoodthe present and even seemed able to predict the future!
He took my family to the football and cricket games. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The strangernever stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever praye for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home ... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. If you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name? We just call him 'TV.' He has a wife now, ... We call her 'Computer'.

~~~~~~~~ Author Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~

Lost?

I absolutely cannot believe the realization I have come to...When I restarted this blog, I also intended to restart my life as a follower of Christ. I wanted to (really really wanted to!) begin daily prayers, reading God's Word and deveeloping a true relationship with Him. And I did...but somewhere along the lines I slipped up. I dont know when, I dont know how, but all of a sudden I am here, right now, back to the exact same place in my life where I didn't want to be and doing what I dont want to be doing anymore! How did that happen? It frusterates me so much. All my life I have just wanted to have good relationship with Christ and to follow Him faithfully. And I always fail.
I can count on one hand the number of times i have been to church since christmas. Thats horrible! The last time I went I felt SO guilty. Guilty for getting lost again, guilty for not having the discipline to actually keep doing what I want to be doing...just guilty. Not only that, but I am already facing a huge change in only one week (marriage) and I feel incredible bad that I can't even have my life on track with God before starting on that journey. It scares me.
So where do I go from here? Do I try again? I can't help but think I am only going to fail - seems to be my track record...