A Prickly Pear

I am struggling to day with being bitter and feeling like a prickly pear. It seems like everything I try to do is thrown back in my face or I am left feeling unheard or wrong in the stance I have taken. I wonder how much of this feeling I am actually entitled to or how much I am making it up. Maybe its just that there have been a lot of situations that have all happened around the same time, but still. Am I really on the wrong path? Is there something other's see in me that I don't see in myself that is bad or wrong? There must be cause there are so many people, some of which are supposed to be "family" who think so. Can someone tell me what exactly it is that I am doing wrong?

Craziness

Everything seems so crazy right now. Its that feeling that everything is spinning out of control and nothing makes sense. Maybe its because I am graduating in a month and I have so much to do, or maybe its my depression coming back. I don't know. But what I do know is that today has not been a good day. Or a good week for that matter. What am I supposed to do to get out of this funk? Nothing is appeasing and all I want to do is sleep. The more I sleep, the more tired I am though. And if I don't keep myself busy I will dwell too much on this and just end up crying. *sigh* I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, I just can't find it....

Struggles

I have always felt that I was one of those "lucky" people who know what God wants them to be doing and haven't had to wait to hear from Him. I started school, realized psychology was my calling and went for it. I just knew. But lately, I have really been questioning what the next year is supposed to bring. Maybe it's just because this "section" of my life is coming to close...or maybe I really need to stop and refocus. For the longest time I have wanted to complete my schooling. I was going to graduate with my BA and move immediately into my Masters. Why not? Seems logical right? Put it off now and things like kids will just interfere and I will never get it done - or by the time I am ready to finish the MA I will need to do serious upgrading. However, recently the notion of going back to school just is not appealing. At the moment, going to school, writing papers, and reading is just a daunting task. I don't want to be doing! And to think of doing the same thing for another three years? Yuck. So what then is the answer? Do I not go back and attempt to find a job (which isn't easy with only a BA, especially if I want something in my interests). And then there is also the fact that we want to start a family sooner rather then later. So taking time off and not doing that seems pointless. We aren't getting any younger. So then I should finish the schooling so that I can start a family and get a better job....oh the circle of "what if's" and "shoulds" and "wants".....

Pretending

     So I have had this "tic" for quite some time that just will not leave me alone. I wish I could know exactly what it is that is bothering me - but so far that realization hasn't happened yet...I just get bits and pieces of different realizations. Like this evening......

.....I was reading sections of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis for a class today and one section of the reading really struck a chord with me. Lewis was talking about "pretending" and tells this story about a man who had to wear a mask over his face for an extended period of time. Now the thing is the mask actually was a lot happier looking then what he actually was. When the time was over what he found was that his own face had actually transformed to replicate the mask. Wow. Lewis continues on to say that pretending leads up to the real thing...and that often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you already had it. Interesting enough, psychology has also demonstrated this. When people who are not happy are forced to smile (or vise versa) they actually report feeling happier afterwards. Try it for yourself! Have you ever had someone try to take your mind off your sadness by making you laugh or such? Do you find that you actually feel better? I know I do (Rory has found this weakness of mine too!) Anyhow... back to what I was saying. It was really enlightening to me that Lewis would make light of this and in a way point out that it just might be beneficial to pretend in order to eventually become what you want to be.

       For the longest time I always wanted to not be that Christian who "pretends" to be a Christian. I thought being a Christian meant that you actually needed to all the right things and do the right things, like reading your bible, praying, etc and most importantly you needed to do this things because you DESIRED to do them. And that it would be wrong to be "the Christian" if you didn't want to do these things. (Am I making any sense? I hope so!) For ages I have come to real standstill in my relationship with Christ. I won't lie. I haven't picked up my bible or truly prayed in ages. I haven't like doing it. haven't desired to. So don't right? It would be wrong to if I did....

       ...now this reading has me questioning. Maybe being Christian isn't always mean you have to emotionally be there to be "politically correct". Maybe its ok to just do it and let my heart follow when it is ready. And the whole notion of "pretending leading to becoming" might actually become helpful. No I may really not heartfelt-like want to do devotions and pray but in doing them, just maybe my "pretending" will lead to "becoming".....

Lost?

I absolutely cannot believe the realization I have come to...When I restarted this blog, I also intended to restart my life as a follower of Christ. I wanted to (really really wanted to!) begin daily prayers, reading God's Word and deveeloping a true relationship with Him. And I did...but somewhere along the lines I slipped up. I dont know when, I dont know how, but all of a sudden I am here, right now, back to the exact same place in my life where I didn't want to be and doing what I dont want to be doing anymore! How did that happen? It frusterates me so much. All my life I have just wanted to have good relationship with Christ and to follow Him faithfully. And I always fail.
I can count on one hand the number of times i have been to church since christmas. Thats horrible! The last time I went I felt SO guilty. Guilty for getting lost again, guilty for not having the discipline to actually keep doing what I want to be doing...just guilty. Not only that, but I am already facing a huge change in only one week (marriage) and I feel incredible bad that I can't even have my life on track with God before starting on that journey. It scares me.
So where do I go from here? Do I try again? I can't help but think I am only going to fail - seems to be my track record...