An Insight

I was given some insight last night while attempting to pray and write in my journal. I was reflecting on why I was having such a hard time with wanting, or I suppose, a lack of wanting to read my bible. I wished I had my old bible, the one that was ruined when our house flooded. Something kinda clicked at this point. I think around the time that I had to part with my bible was just before I really started struggling with no longer wanting to read. It makes sense. When I went to replace my bible with a new one I really struggled with finding something, I didn't want to get a new one I wanted the one that I had to throw out... I ended up getting the same version I had before. Its mostly the same other then they have changed the cover. Yet at the same time its not the same because I no longer have my notes, highlights, quotes, and the familiarity of the old. That bible saw me through high school graduation, my first year at bible college and then three years of university, not to mention heartbreaks, sleepless nights, an engagement and numerous nights wondering if I was crazy getting married or at least making the right choice. It was given to me on my 18th birthday and I always thought I would have it forever. It would be one of those things that gets passed on to my children or grandchildren and they would be blessed with all the notes I've written in the margins and the knowledge of how worn that bible was through the many years I read from it. But thats no longer reality. Instead it soaked up as much water as it could possibly hold and had to be thrown out. Now I have a "new" bible, but its just not the same. I want the familiarity I had in being able to flip to exactly the right page to read the passage I needed to read. Instead, now I am flipping throw looking and growing more distressed because I can't find the passage i am thinking of!

I don't think I realized, until last night, how much losing that bible actually meant to me. I know I cried over it when I threw it out, but I thought afterwards I had come to terms with what happened. Obviously not. I was instead, unconsciously longing for the old by avoiding the new! Well, now I know the problem, and no it probably wasn't a healthy thing in the first place, I suppose now I can work on it.....