...Ponderings...

            You know when you know you have to do something, need to do something, should do something but continue to ignore that same something, putting it off, pretending it doesn't exist, until eventually you know you can't put it off any longer. And when you think you are ready to tackle that something, you have no idea where to start or even how to start. Thats me right now. Putting things off for so long that I really have no clue how to even start or where to begin. It saddens me to even think that I have put of this particular piece of my life for so long. Its almost shameful. It is shameful (Hah I suppose that would speak to the cryptic nature of this post and not actually naming that "thing"). Even knowing that it is shameful, I still don't know where to begin. I almost wish it was something I could quickly google the answers too like I do with everything else. Or search my textbooks for clues. But its not going to be there I know that for sure. So where do I take this? How do I begin? Maybe the deeper and actual question is do I even want to begin? I've put it off for so long what good would it do now?

         Part of this too involves a huge opportunity that has been placed before me.  Some place not everyone would get the chance at being able to go and serve. But accepting that opportunity and being a part of it makes me feel, well horrible, because it sets up a pretense of being and serving in a way I really haven't been for a long time. So I shouldn't take that opportunity. Because I haven't done the thing for so long.

         This is really making all of life so complicated! Its like either just get it over with and become who you say you are or forget about it and stop living the lie.  I don't like either choice. Can I have option C please? Without doing this everything I have been striving for for the last few years becomes meaningless. What I say I "want" to do, really wouldn't make sense anymore. I guess in many ways I know what I need to do, but I come full circle back to just needing to do it but completely dreading the doing part. Actually the whole dreading part baffles me. If someone knows they should do something, all their life is set up for that thing, they know it is good, and they feel called to something, wouldn't they want to do everything in their power to ensure they live their lives in such a way that this stuff will be fulfilled. Its like a professional athlete who has the talent to go to the Olympics, is giving everything in their lives to train in their sport, and knows without a reason of doubt this is what they are supposed to be doing, but ends up eating completely unhealthy. Ultimately it is going to bring destruction to their athleticism. But they cannot for some reason bring themselves to eat healthy. They just can't. Something huge and fearful to eating healthy again.

      Thats how I feel.

Back to School...

Its amazing the ways that God can direct us and mold us. This summer has definitely been interesting and full of ups and downs. We went through so many different ideas of where we should go, live, be and all the while wondering what exactly God has in store. I think it was worse on me. I went from having a job right out of school to being let go because I need some time off to finish a class in order to graduate (they decided it would be better to let me go then to give me the two weeks off...) After finishing my class the end of July, I began earnestly seeking a job - but nothing! I was astonished at the amount of resumes I sent out and the lack of response I was receiving. And I slowly grew disheartened that all the jobs I would really love to work at required more schooling then what I currently have. At some point during this time a seed was planned when I ended up getting an email from Providence Seminary letting me know that I still needed to register for classes! Oops I forgot to let them know I decided to not take my Masters...hmm... Guess I figured I had better email and let them know I am not coming.

Two weeks later on Friday, Rory said something to the extent of "why not just do your Masters?" I was shocked! He would be willing to put on hold some of our dreams and let me complete school? I definitely liked the idea! I got on the phone on and decided to figure out if I still had a spot at the school. Monday morning the school let me know that yes I had a spot. The rest is history! I have been busy figuring out where to live, what classes to take, school supply shopping, and getting a million other things figured out.

The weirdest part of the whole situation is how smoothly everything has gone so far. Its like I groan at the idea of having to figure out one more thing about it all (like renting or buying a place, how to pay for classes, etc, etc, etc!) but when I go to do it - it becomes as easy as one, two, three! It really attests to the idea that God does know the plans He has for us. And even though I may have deviated four months ago from the original plan of doing more school, He didn't give up and continued on with the plan bringing me back around at just the right time...

....Definitely makes me excited for not only the next three years, but what is going to happen beyond that!

An Insight

I was given some insight last night while attempting to pray and write in my journal. I was reflecting on why I was having such a hard time with wanting, or I suppose, a lack of wanting to read my bible. I wished I had my old bible, the one that was ruined when our house flooded. Something kinda clicked at this point. I think around the time that I had to part with my bible was just before I really started struggling with no longer wanting to read. It makes sense. When I went to replace my bible with a new one I really struggled with finding something, I didn't want to get a new one I wanted the one that I had to throw out... I ended up getting the same version I had before. Its mostly the same other then they have changed the cover. Yet at the same time its not the same because I no longer have my notes, highlights, quotes, and the familiarity of the old. That bible saw me through high school graduation, my first year at bible college and then three years of university, not to mention heartbreaks, sleepless nights, an engagement and numerous nights wondering if I was crazy getting married or at least making the right choice. It was given to me on my 18th birthday and I always thought I would have it forever. It would be one of those things that gets passed on to my children or grandchildren and they would be blessed with all the notes I've written in the margins and the knowledge of how worn that bible was through the many years I read from it. But thats no longer reality. Instead it soaked up as much water as it could possibly hold and had to be thrown out. Now I have a "new" bible, but its just not the same. I want the familiarity I had in being able to flip to exactly the right page to read the passage I needed to read. Instead, now I am flipping throw looking and growing more distressed because I can't find the passage i am thinking of!

I don't think I realized, until last night, how much losing that bible actually meant to me. I know I cried over it when I threw it out, but I thought afterwards I had come to terms with what happened. Obviously not. I was instead, unconsciously longing for the old by avoiding the new! Well, now I know the problem, and no it probably wasn't a healthy thing in the first place, I suppose now I can work on it.....