...Ponderings...

            You know when you know you have to do something, need to do something, should do something but continue to ignore that same something, putting it off, pretending it doesn't exist, until eventually you know you can't put it off any longer. And when you think you are ready to tackle that something, you have no idea where to start or even how to start. Thats me right now. Putting things off for so long that I really have no clue how to even start or where to begin. It saddens me to even think that I have put of this particular piece of my life for so long. Its almost shameful. It is shameful (Hah I suppose that would speak to the cryptic nature of this post and not actually naming that "thing"). Even knowing that it is shameful, I still don't know where to begin. I almost wish it was something I could quickly google the answers too like I do with everything else. Or search my textbooks for clues. But its not going to be there I know that for sure. So where do I take this? How do I begin? Maybe the deeper and actual question is do I even want to begin? I've put it off for so long what good would it do now?

         Part of this too involves a huge opportunity that has been placed before me.  Some place not everyone would get the chance at being able to go and serve. But accepting that opportunity and being a part of it makes me feel, well horrible, because it sets up a pretense of being and serving in a way I really haven't been for a long time. So I shouldn't take that opportunity. Because I haven't done the thing for so long.

         This is really making all of life so complicated! Its like either just get it over with and become who you say you are or forget about it and stop living the lie.  I don't like either choice. Can I have option C please? Without doing this everything I have been striving for for the last few years becomes meaningless. What I say I "want" to do, really wouldn't make sense anymore. I guess in many ways I know what I need to do, but I come full circle back to just needing to do it but completely dreading the doing part. Actually the whole dreading part baffles me. If someone knows they should do something, all their life is set up for that thing, they know it is good, and they feel called to something, wouldn't they want to do everything in their power to ensure they live their lives in such a way that this stuff will be fulfilled. Its like a professional athlete who has the talent to go to the Olympics, is giving everything in their lives to train in their sport, and knows without a reason of doubt this is what they are supposed to be doing, but ends up eating completely unhealthy. Ultimately it is going to bring destruction to their athleticism. But they cannot for some reason bring themselves to eat healthy. They just can't. Something huge and fearful to eating healthy again.

      Thats how I feel.