Wishes

I said when I started this blog that I wouldn't allow it to become what the last one was, but it seems like thats what it is becoming again. Oh well, what can you do when its the only thing that plagues you. You would that after graduating with a BA in psychology and hearing countless lectures on depression and everything that it involves I would be able to conquer this and no longer have it bothering me. Yet thats not the situation. My husband seems to think that finishing with school was a good thing and that my mood has improved. But today that is not the story. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have a funny feeling I know what the problem is, and what I need to do - or rather who I need to turn. I think I've known it for a long time, but I am scared stiff. I don't know how to approach Him, what to say, do, or even where to start. I feel like I have gotten off the track and don't know where to get back on. Or even if there is a point of trying. I'm this lost, why not just leave it be? *sigh* who am I fooling? I know I can't do that. I wish I knew what to do...

Craziness

Everything seems so crazy right now. Its that feeling that everything is spinning out of control and nothing makes sense. Maybe its because I am graduating in a month and I have so much to do, or maybe its my depression coming back. I don't know. But what I do know is that today has not been a good day. Or a good week for that matter. What am I supposed to do to get out of this funk? Nothing is appeasing and all I want to do is sleep. The more I sleep, the more tired I am though. And if I don't keep myself busy I will dwell too much on this and just end up crying. *sigh* I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, I just can't find it....

Struggles

I have always felt that I was one of those "lucky" people who know what God wants them to be doing and haven't had to wait to hear from Him. I started school, realized psychology was my calling and went for it. I just knew. But lately, I have really been questioning what the next year is supposed to bring. Maybe it's just because this "section" of my life is coming to close...or maybe I really need to stop and refocus. For the longest time I have wanted to complete my schooling. I was going to graduate with my BA and move immediately into my Masters. Why not? Seems logical right? Put it off now and things like kids will just interfere and I will never get it done - or by the time I am ready to finish the MA I will need to do serious upgrading. However, recently the notion of going back to school just is not appealing. At the moment, going to school, writing papers, and reading is just a daunting task. I don't want to be doing! And to think of doing the same thing for another three years? Yuck. So what then is the answer? Do I not go back and attempt to find a job (which isn't easy with only a BA, especially if I want something in my interests). And then there is also the fact that we want to start a family sooner rather then later. So taking time off and not doing that seems pointless. We aren't getting any younger. So then I should finish the schooling so that I can start a family and get a better job....oh the circle of "what if's" and "shoulds" and "wants".....

Pretending

     So I have had this "tic" for quite some time that just will not leave me alone. I wish I could know exactly what it is that is bothering me - but so far that realization hasn't happened yet...I just get bits and pieces of different realizations. Like this evening......

.....I was reading sections of Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis for a class today and one section of the reading really struck a chord with me. Lewis was talking about "pretending" and tells this story about a man who had to wear a mask over his face for an extended period of time. Now the thing is the mask actually was a lot happier looking then what he actually was. When the time was over what he found was that his own face had actually transformed to replicate the mask. Wow. Lewis continues on to say that pretending leads up to the real thing...and that often the only way to get a quality in reality is to start behaving as if you already had it. Interesting enough, psychology has also demonstrated this. When people who are not happy are forced to smile (or vise versa) they actually report feeling happier afterwards. Try it for yourself! Have you ever had someone try to take your mind off your sadness by making you laugh or such? Do you find that you actually feel better? I know I do (Rory has found this weakness of mine too!) Anyhow... back to what I was saying. It was really enlightening to me that Lewis would make light of this and in a way point out that it just might be beneficial to pretend in order to eventually become what you want to be.

       For the longest time I always wanted to not be that Christian who "pretends" to be a Christian. I thought being a Christian meant that you actually needed to all the right things and do the right things, like reading your bible, praying, etc and most importantly you needed to do this things because you DESIRED to do them. And that it would be wrong to be "the Christian" if you didn't want to do these things. (Am I making any sense? I hope so!) For ages I have come to real standstill in my relationship with Christ. I won't lie. I haven't picked up my bible or truly prayed in ages. I haven't like doing it. haven't desired to. So don't right? It would be wrong to if I did....

       ...now this reading has me questioning. Maybe being Christian isn't always mean you have to emotionally be there to be "politically correct". Maybe its ok to just do it and let my heart follow when it is ready. And the whole notion of "pretending leading to becoming" might actually become helpful. No I may really not heartfelt-like want to do devotions and pray but in doing them, just maybe my "pretending" will lead to "becoming".....

25 Cute Sayings

Give God what's right...not what's left.

Man's way leads to hopeless end ......God's way leads to an endless hope. 

A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing. 

He who kneels before God can stand before anyone. 

In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but never let him be the period.

Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

When praying, don't give God instructions. ..... just report for duty. 

Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church. 

We don't change God's message...His message changes us.

The church is prayer-conditioned.

When God ordains, He sustains

WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

Plan ahead......It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

Exercise daily .... walk with the Lord

Never give the devil a ride...... he will always want to drive.

Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back. 

 He who angers you controls you

 Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop. 

 Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

 Be ye fishers of men..... You catch them & He'll clean them.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

*sources unknown*

Testify

What does it mean to testify? A couple weeks ago, during a sharing and testimony time, a theme emerged through the stories that were presented and it revolved around the meaning of testifying and living your life in a way that truly testifies to Christ's existence. Since that Sunday, the concept has been tickling the back of my mind....

Testify |ˈtestəˌfī|
verb ( -fies, -fied) [ intrans. ]
give evidence as a witness in a law court : he testified against his own commander | [with clause ] he testified that he had supplied Barry with crack.
• serve as evidence or proof of something's existing or being the case : the bleak lines testify to inner torment.

John 15:26-27  "When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning"

Acts 10:42 "He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God appointed as judge of the living and the dead."

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

2 Timothy 1:7-9 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace."

So many verses command us to testify to who Christ is and what He did for us. The passage in 2 Timothy is especially outstanding in my mind. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord..." Paul is, in an essence, saying that God want's us to testify and he has equipped us with the tools to do so. 

Ok, so I know I am supposed to testify. But how? When one normally thinks of testifying they think of speaking vocally about something - much like someone testifies in court. But is that all there is too it? Am I to just go around shouting out testifications about the Lord to whoever is near? Not exactly my style. 

One notion present in the testimonies during the church service - is how we need to be authentic. (you might think I am on a different track with this, but hang in there, I am not). One member explicitly stated that we need to be real - we need to share our stories and share them with even the not so pretty details. She said that it is much more powerful of a testimony if someone was to speak about their journey through "rape" rather then "a dark time". Even if no other details are mentioned - the fact that we are being humble and real enough to speak to the situation without concealing it, becomes much more powerful. Can these two notions be combined? Can our life stories become a way to testify to Christ and the things he has done? 

There is an unspoken rule that I have encountered in churches - everyone must be happy and "everything is ok". As Christians, we are not supposed to discuss our times of trouble to those around us. Joy is what needs to be seen. Those "dark times" are things we share at camp during campfire or similar situations. (To really testify that Christ is real! He saved me from this! Right??) Its not stuff we discuss sunday morning. This seems so contradictory to me. We are to testify - the bible commands it (and yes we are to testify outside of the church) but are not to testify to each other? Should we not be discussing even those "unhappy" moments in our christian walk? We all know they exist!! So why not share them more often? What would be wrong in actually letting people know that no everything isn't ok and I am not overly happy this morning. Would we find that our walk maybe comes a little more personal and deeper? Especially with each other? Or is this just way to awkward and far from our normal stereotypes? 

My last point - the two people (that sunday morning) who mentioned (a) being sexually abused and (b) being in a sexually impure relationship were the two people I would never have thought they walked a dark path in their lives. They always looked like life was good, nothing was wrong, and their walk with Christ was stronger then ever. By their being straight up and telling how it was - I was definitely moved and it really solidified my struggles. I am not the only one who struggles and is living in an "in between" state. (if you are reading this and don't know some of my background this prolly wont make sense - but ask me and I will share) 

Be real. Is it possible? Is it testification? When is it appropriate or do some social rules just need to be broken and reshaped??

It's Okay

Learning never really ends. Its a continual process. Sometimes, we learn and grow with leaps and bounds. Daily changes can be seen. Other times it seems like we will never get it. Somehow, one step forward results in ten more the opposite direction...

But its okay. Stop. Take a deep breath. Now step outside of the picture. What can you see now? Yes - there it is. See that seed? It's growing still. For those ten steps backward weren't so bad. Because in the process something was still learnt. That glimmer of truth - so important it was - weaseled its way through....

Yes we are behind. But it's okay. Breathe. Cry if you need to. Now get back up and lets keep trying for there's always something new that can be learnt.

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger ..... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries, and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understoodthe present and even seemed able to predict the future!
He took my family to the football and cricket games. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The strangernever stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever praye for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home ... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked ... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. If you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name? We just call him 'TV.' He has a wife now, ... We call her 'Computer'.

~~~~~~~~ Author Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~

Lost?

I absolutely cannot believe the realization I have come to...When I restarted this blog, I also intended to restart my life as a follower of Christ. I wanted to (really really wanted to!) begin daily prayers, reading God's Word and deveeloping a true relationship with Him. And I did...but somewhere along the lines I slipped up. I dont know when, I dont know how, but all of a sudden I am here, right now, back to the exact same place in my life where I didn't want to be and doing what I dont want to be doing anymore! How did that happen? It frusterates me so much. All my life I have just wanted to have good relationship with Christ and to follow Him faithfully. And I always fail.
I can count on one hand the number of times i have been to church since christmas. Thats horrible! The last time I went I felt SO guilty. Guilty for getting lost again, guilty for not having the discipline to actually keep doing what I want to be doing...just guilty. Not only that, but I am already facing a huge change in only one week (marriage) and I feel incredible bad that I can't even have my life on track with God before starting on that journey. It scares me.
So where do I go from here? Do I try again? I can't help but think I am only going to fail - seems to be my track record...

Novels: Novel Ideas?

So last night I spent a good three hours consumed in a romance fiction novel. Don't get me wrong - it was a Christian romance novel and there defiantly a lot more in it then just romance. It was a really good read (hence the three hours and finishing the book in that amount of time). However, it is the feeling I was left with when I finished the book that is bothering me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I totally felt almost cheated and dissatisfied with the way my life is. Why can't it be more like the characters?? I even spent a few minutes crying when I finished. Somehow that really does not sit well with me. I used to spend a lot of time reading novels, they were my escape and chance to just live someone else's life for a time, a way to forget about the current time. Its been awhile since I picked up a novel and I wonder now if I wasn't creating more damage to myself by "escaping" into those novels. I was really dissatisfied with myself after reading the book and could have found a million things to kick myself about (which I stopped myself from doing, in case you should wonder). It was great to be caught up in the story, but once I came back to real life nothing matched with what happened in the book. I wasn't a bar girl who got pregnant and eventually feel in love with a dreamy christian guy who loved me from the first time he saw me and needed me to nurse his child after his wife died....I am just an ordinary girl fighting the ordinary parts of life - not too much "romantic" in my story. Here's another check: my life isn't anything less in value to the lives of novel characters. My testimony is just as important to God as anyone elses. I need to be satisfied with the here and now and shouldn't constantly wish to be someone else. Therefore I seriously am considering the validity in reading fictitious romance novel that just leave one wishing and longing for more then her current situation. It doesnt seem healthy (even when I am just reading for relaxation's sake). Maybe this isn't true for every girl, but it seems to be something for me. What do with it? I dont know...Are there certain types of novels better then others? Maybe staying away from romance is a good idea...sadly there is a lot of it in all books...do I give up reading novels then? That seems crazy! I love reading! Hmm...

What is it to me?

I've been challenged. One of my classes has been forcing me to seriously consider what my education means to me and what (or why) I value it and why I am even talking this degree. I suppose that this challenge isn't a bad thing....its always good to evaluate what you are doing. For so long I accepted the notion that I was going to university because it was expected of me. Getting a good job required an education. So getting an education was what I did. And I always thought in the back of my mind that I would further my BA and get a masters and my doctorate. I never expected to met a guy and get married. Much less consider the concept of going into missions with him. So now, here I sit, with this question in my mind. Does my education still mean anything to me? Its going to be too expensive to do the further school and have a family. So am I forced to choose? And when are we supposed to get into missions? Right after we are married? In 10 years? Do I put aside my dream of "helping people through counseling"? Or is my dream just changing and God's been setting me in a path to start my goal of helping people and now that ending result is just changing. Instead of staying here in North America, he is sending me into other parts of the world to help people. Thats fine with me. Its still helping people. But then I am faced with issue of where does the value of my education fit in? Staying here in American makes that degree useful and justifies the time I have spent (not to mention the cost!) of getting that degree. But I still have yet to see the value of my degree if I am going to go over seas and become a missionary. I technically wouldnt need my education to do what we want to be doing. So am I just being selfish and wasting this time going to school? Or is there a place for it in missions? So confusing!

Issues

These are some issues that a prof emailed to our class that reflect some current ethical issue of Abortion....read on if you like...I have inserted my comments between the issues in this same font/color.

"Pro-life ads pulled from transit shelters"

The City of Hamilton ordered pro-life ads removed from its transit shelters this week after receiving three complaints about them. The ads, part of a national campaign to mark the 20th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision that struck down all legal restrictions on abortion, depict a photo of a pregnant woman and say, “Nine months. The length of time abortion is allowed in Canada. No medical reason needed. Abortion: Have we gone too far?” Hamilton City Councillor Brian McHattie asked that the ads be removed because, he said, “For me personally, it definitely was offensive.” Similar ads and billboards are running across the country, including at least three billboards and three transit ads here in Alberta. The City of Fredericton also refused to allow the ads to be posted in their transit shelter. The refusal by these cities to run these inoffensive ads proves the point of the campaign slogan “Have we gone too far.” The city officials and politicians are infected with a pro-abortion attitude that permits them to suppress these ads simply because they pose a question about unrestricted abortion.

I love how people think that the "unoffensive" side should be able to control what is being said or posted to the rest of the world. What ever happened to the "equality in beliefs" They believe abortion is ok and think they can express that but that I shouldnt express my belief of abortion being wrong??? Wheres the equality in that?? Not to mention that these facts being displyed are only the truth...If the facts are offensive to you, then maybe you should actually explore WHY they are offensive!

"Another campus pro-life group denied status"

Lakehead University Students’ Union (LUSU), like many other closed-minded student groups across the country, has denied club status to Lakehead University Life Support by a vote of 23 to 3. Last month, LUSU imposed conditions on the club, including ordering “no unsolicited conversations with students, approaching people to tell them about your clubs’ beliefs.” You know how dangerous “conversations” can be. It might actually lead people to think and discuss. In any case, apparently LUSU deemed those restrictions on free speech to be too lenient and on January 10th voted to deny club status completely. The students’ group blamed a poster that they deemed “inappropriate” for the decision to deny club status even though the poster had been approved by LUSU before it was put up. The pro-life club is considering taking its case to the Ontario Human Rights Commission on the grounds of discrimination. Without club status, groups cannot receive funding, are denied meeting rooms on campus and in many cases, including Lakehead University, cannot put up posters or signs to advertise meetings, events or advocate their cause.

"Vote for “1st degree Morgentaler” video"

Canadian independent filmmaker, John Heatherington, has produced a short documentary called “1st degree Morgentaler” which features Vicky Green who had an abortion at Morgentaler’s Montreal clinic. The film juxtaposes comments by Green with comments by Henry Morgentaler and clips of him being awarded an honourary doctorate at University of Western Ontario. It is short, about 10 minutes, and a very effective portrayal of how many women feel about their abortions. Mr. Heatherington has entered his movie into the Breakout Filmmaker competition, an online contest. Go to http://shortfilm.projectbreakout.com/media_page/entry_id/219, watch his video and then vote if you think it deserves to win. You do have to login and register to vote. At this writing, “1st degree Morgentaler” is running seventh. This is not a pro-life competition so it’s important to vote. The winner will be announced on January 28th, which coincidentally is the 20th anniversary of the Morgentaler Supreme Court decision which struck down all legal restrictions on abortion.

I watched the video...my omp didnt play it smoothly, it kindda jumped from section to section so I dont know if I missed anything important being said. But, I really think that Vicky has something important that needs to be explored more. Yes - the words of these women do need to be listened to. Now I dont know if every clinic acts in this manner that once an abortion has been decided thats it and if the women objjects then they convince her further....but women do need to know the facts about what they are doing. And if abortion isnt going to be illegial then it should be that unborn childs right therefore legally have to have its mother know the facts and all the facts before an abortion is done. Many people here the notion of "its just mass" and dont realize the creation they have just aborted.

One section of the video calls to the womans right to chose and to have the freedom to make that choice (from the Charter of Rights). Now its my question - if the mother has the right to choice then what about that growing child. Where is its rights?

Did you know that legally a baby can be aborted right up until the moment it is born. So like, an 8 1/2 month old child could be aborted!!! Legally!!! Now most of us would agree that a fetus that old is a child and not just a lump of mass anymore.....Therefore, whats up? Now if this same child wasnt aborted but born the next day and someone killed it - it would be considered murder. WHAT???? How is there a difference?

Did you know?
Canadian law allows abortion to take place anytime during pregnancy. Even after the baby’s heart starts beating. Even after the arms and legs are formed. Even after the baby can suck its thumb, feel pain, and survive outside the womb. No medical reason needed. Abortion. Have we gone too far? Visit http://www.abortionincanada.ca/

check out http://www.abortionincanada.ca/ . This is the site that was made for the campaign by Life Canada. There are also billboards and bus ads across the country thanks to various Right to Life groups with the same message: abortion. Have we gone too far?

Well...comment if you wish. I just really wanted to enlighten my few readers of the issues in our world (though I am sure you are well aware!) It blows me away how humanity has become so twisted and cruel....

A debate

we had an interesting class today and it really got me thinking on certian topics. I am taking a christian ethics class and one of our class periods was spent in coming up with a debate (for or against) manditory chapels at the school. At the moment, our university college, has decided that chapels are manditory. We have them twice a week and you must sign in (they bought a scanner to read our student cards). You are excused for seven chapels per semster. The other side of this issue is that they have channels through which you can get a waiver form through your supervisor if from some reason you cannot attend. This is not the first college that I have attend that requires a student to go to chapel, however there were other circumstances that really just had it make sense to go to chapel (aka pretty much everyone lived in dorms, really wasnt anywhere else to go, and while it was expected that you go it was in a different manner then my school)
back to my original thoughts...each side put up some pretty good points. So much so that I have questioned my dissapointment in the school for making chapel manditory. I understand that they want to get students there and to have them participate in chaple because it is one of the things that makes us as a christian school different from the rest. And yes chapel is a great resource for our spiritual growth. But I am wondering if the school doesnt need to take into consideration their current context of being within a city to which many students commute to the school. Not to mention that chapel is not always that interesting. Therefore maybe making a different design for chapels and taking out the manditory aspect might actually bring in a larger student body....
Lol, that was a real ramble of thoughts and I dont know if any of it made sense. Oh well! I guess my main point was that I hated the thought of being made to go to chapel like I was some little kid, but after class and hearing different sides of the debate I have come to realize the intentions of the school in trying to build a christian community. Yet I still hold somewhat to my old view - just maybe not so harshly.....

ok I'm done rambling now

Immanuel

Immanuel

by Max Lucado

The King walked over and reached for the book. He turned it toward Lucifer and commanded, “Come, Deceiver, read the name of the One who will call your bluff. Read the name of the One who will storm your gates.”

Satan rose slowly off his haunches. Like a wary wolf, he walked a wide circle toward the desk until he stood before the volume and read the word:

“Immanuel?” he muttered to himself, then spoke in a tone of disbelief. “God with us?” For the first time the hooded head turned squarely toward the face of the Father. “No. Not even You would do that. Not even You would go so far.”

“You’ve never believed me, Satan.”

“But Immanuel? The plan is bizarre! You don’t know what it’s like on Earth! You don’t know how dark I’ve made it. It’s putrid. It’s evil. It’s…”

“IT IS MINE,” proclaimed the King. “AND I WILL RECLAIM WHAT IS MINE. I WILL BECOME FLESH. I WILL FEEL WHAT MY CREATURES FEEL. I WILL SEE WHAT THEY SEE.”

“But what of their sin?”

“I will bring mercy.”

“What of their death?”

“I will give life.”

Satan stood speechless.

God spoke, “I love my children. Love does not take away the beloved’s freedom. But love takes away fear. And Immanuel will leave behind a tribe of fearless children. They will not fear you or your hell.”

Satan stepped back at the thought. His retort was childish. “Th-th-they will too!”

“I will take away all sin. I will take away death. Without sin and without death, you have no power.”

Around and around in a circle Satan paced, clenching and unclenching his wiry fingers. When he finally stopped, he asked a question that even I was thinking. “Why? Why would You do this?”

The Father’s voice was deep and soft. “Because I love them.”

From An Angel's Story (originally published as Cosmic Christmas) Copyright (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2002, 2004) Max Lucado

The Battle

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him" ~ James 1:2-4,12

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's disciple, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, becuse the Lord disciplines those he loves and he punishes everone he accepts as a son. Endure hardship as disciple; God is treating you as a son." ~ Hebrews 12:5-7

"you were taught with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." ~ Ephesians 4:22-24

"therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an enternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is een, but on what is unseen, For what is een is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will build you up again, and you will be rebuilt, O virgin Israel." ~ Jeremiah 31:3-4


An new beginning. That was the intent of this blog. Stuff happened and I decided that it was time to put of my old self and to put on the new, just like it was said in Ephesians. Part of that was in my blogging styles. Only I have run into a conflict. It seems that even now, I am reverting back to my old syle of life. Its scary. I don't want to. But in a way it almost seems out of my control. I feel bad in "putting the old" back on. Yet another side of me says that we are human and humans are sinful creatures. Therefore this is a battle that we are going to encounter daily....therefore just make it a habit to daily put on the new and pick up your cross.

Another way I have tried to change my thinking in regards to my current battle of depression, is that is does not have to be a diabling effect in my life. I can look at it as the Lord discipling me, building perseverance, maturity, and changing the inside. Kindda like my metaphor the me being the clay and God the potter. Depression is just one of the "pottery" tools that he is using. I was able to stick to this mindframe and actually came to accept it relatively well. It made sense. That is until now. It made sense when my depression wasn't necessarily bad and things were going a lot better then they had been....

Now, I am battling another relatively hard fight. And the previous battling that did (while things were going better) seemed to have drained me of all strength. I don't like thinking that God is just disciplining me. It seems cruel and inhummane. This is no easy thing that he is asking of me to bear. It is back breaking work. I hate it. Yet my mind battles because I know that he has good plans for me (jer 29:11), I know that he loves me. But I still wrestle with the "why"...why me?...why now?....why so long?....why won't you heal me?...and all the other questions.

So I am sitting with incompatible positions (1) God loves me, depression is a discipline and some good will come out if it, he is not trying to harm me...thus all that scripture teaches and I should believe.... (2) Depression is this cruel punishment that God has sent upon me, that he really doesnt have a plan to "cure" me and that I am never going to be able to fight this, its too hard, its not nice disciple, he cannot have good out of this...

Social Psych claims that because these two thoughts are incompatible with each other, I will adjust my beliefs of God to fit with my idea of depression. Or will adjust my idea of depression to fit with my belief of God

I am at a stand still. I have played both sides of the coin at different times and I dont know which one is right or which one is true, because both are very real realities.....and it hurts

Following the Star

Following the Star by Max Lucado

Suppose you could give a gift to Christ, what would it be? How could you possibly select a gift for the One who not only has everything, but who made everything?

The Wise Men did. They can be an example to us. In addition to the gold, frankincense, and myrrh, they gave the Savior some gifts we can give him today: their hope, their time, and their worship.The wandering wise men gave Jesus their hope. When everyone else saw a night sky, this small band of men saw the light. The sight of the star sparked a desire in their hearts that send them packing. They went, seeking Jesus.

When night comes to your world, what do you see? The darkness or the stars? Hopelessness or hopefulness? Sometimes, just as he did so long ago, God uses the darkness to reveal his stars—“The light shines in the darkness” (John 1:5). Give God your hope for Christmas.

While you’re giving, give God your time. The wise men did. Before they gave God their presents, they gave their presence. It’s likely that these men traveled as long as two years before locating the prince of heaven. Before that one incredible moment when they knelt before Jesus, the wise men spent many moments, months, perhaps years searching, in anticipation of that meeting.

Just as the wise men devoted themselves to seeking the Savior, so can you: “You will seek him and find him when you seek him with all your heart” (Duet. 4:29).And when they did find him, the wise men gave Jesus another gift: their worship. Men of wealth, influence, and intellect: what did they do when they saw Jesus? “…they fell down and worshiped him” (Matt. 2:11)

Worship. It’s a gift that extends to the giver as well. Through worship, we come to see God more clearly. God invites us, through worship, to see his face so he can change ours. In worship, we simply stand before God with a prepared and willing heart and let God do his work. And he does. He wipes away the tears. He mops away the perspiration. He softens our furrowed brows. He touches our cheeks. He changes our faces as we worship.

The wise men sought the child of God, just as God seeks his children. “The Father is actively seeking such people to worship him” (John 4:23).

The gifts of hope, time, and worship. Three gifts the wise still give.

From One Incredible Moment:Celebrating the Majesty of the Manger Copyright (J Countryman, 2006) Max Lucado

The Desert

I once lived in a desert. It was dry. It was dark. Years ago, I had found the Cup of water that was given freely to me. I was told that it would satisfy all my needs. I took it. I've discovered that even though I found that cup, declared that I had it, and proclaimed its power in my life - I had never actually took a deep long drink of that water. Every now and then I may have taken a sip or two from it. Just enough to keep me surviving. Over time, the desert wore on. Nothing I found satisfied my lingering thirst. Soon I couldn't stand up to the intense heat, the dry winds that threatened to blow me off my feet, or the blazing sun that never seemed to let up. As I wandered through this desert, I could not find shelter anywhere. My thirst became worse and worse. Yet, in all of this, I forgot the Cup I held in my hand. Instead, I was spending my time looking everywhere else for a water to quench my longing and thirst. I tried many types. None lasted very long or would create an even stronger thirst. Over time, and being completely unaware, this search started to consume me. I began searching high and low for satisfaction. So much that the search started spiraling out of control. Little by little, the water that I was sampling and taking from other cups began to destroy me. Still, I didn't realize what I was doing. Then one day, when I was too weak to even lift my head up from its place, I realized the path I had sent myself down and realized I had given myself over to a search that only satisfied the minuet. In my agony, I cried out. I beat myself for carelessly spilling and casting aside that Cup of water I was given so long ago. It was precious water and I had forgotten about it. I had forgotten that it alone was the water that would satisfy me forever. I cried and cried. I longed to be able to go back to the first moment and live all over again. To start from the moment I was given the Cup. As my tears stopped and my energy ceased, thinking that I was too spent to keep on living, I vowed to give up. I was a failure and it was not worth it to keep living. The words "Forgive me!", escaped my mouth as I started to do what needed to be done. "I already have" came the reply. My mind, in its weakened state, tried to comprehend the meaning of this. Suddenly, there before me appeared that same Saviour who offered me the first Cup. In all these years, nothing about Him had changed. He looked the same, sounded the same, and smelled the same. Questions flooded my mind...how could this be? I have done so much wrong. You couldn't. You wouldn't. I am not worth it. Three soft words spoke through the din in my head. "I forgive you." Startled I looked towards the man. Gingerly, He picked me off the floor and cradled me in His arms. Looking down at me, with the sweetest, softest expression of love, He spoke these words: "It is finished, My Love, I paid for your pardon. You are free. You have nothing to worry about. I want you to share My home. I want you to always drink my water. I want to give you life to the fullest. But it's your choice in the end..." He held the Cup of water, full to the point of overflowing, to me. I wanted to reach out, but was too weak. I knew that I could not do it on my own. "Please, help me" I managed to say, "I can't do it on my own...I am too weak..." With a smile that revealed all, He picked me up and helped me drink. I drank like I never have before. The more I drank, the more I realized that this, this man and His water, was the only thing to ever be enough to satisfy and fill. This was everything I had ever wanted...and with that I fell asleep, in my Saviour's arms, knowing I could never imagine leaving or drinking from another cup. Ever.

A New Beginning

After deciding to stop blogging with my old blog, I felt that I still wanted a place to share some of the stuff that rumbles through my head. So, while I am going to take a different approach to the stuff that I write, I will still have a blog. Yay. The following is taken from my last blog, but it has significant impact for the theme of this new blog and I thought I should include it....


Clay is moldable. Soft. Flexible. In complete dependence of the Potter's hands for shape and form. Softly, yet firmly, the Potter uses his hands to form the clay into what he wants. The Potter needs complete control over the clay in order to make it into something magnificent. Clay, though, can have a mind of its own. It warbles under the Potter's hands. It gives into pressure, flops over, and often does it own thing. Seemingly ruining the Potter's masterpiece in these moments. Neverless, the Potter will break the clay back down and start over again. The same piece of clay, yet with the opportune to once again become something great. The Potter will never give up on that piece of clay. Over and over again he will keep molding it. Lovingly working it into the best piece. The clay will eventually learn to be soft and pliable under the Potter's hands; to not resist the Potters pushing and shaping, but to come to realize that ultimately those very acts will make it into the great piece of work the Potter originally dreamt of. Simply amazing isn't it? One lump of clay. One Potter who's patience never wains. The result? A beautiful piece of work.

You are the Clay - God is the Potter


This is the comment from a well respected friend and I didn't want his response lost so I am also going to add it. It develops my understanding of this metaphor even more...


There is more to the metaphor of the potter and the clay, it is richer and deeper, even beyond what you have expressed. The potter imagery is found first in Jeremiah 18 (v.6) and is then expounded on in Romans 9 and brought to bear on us as the spiritual Israel as well as it was brought to physical Israel by Jeremiah. Clearly stated in the whole of Romans 9 (the thoughts of which are summed in the metaphor of the potter), is the fact that the potter is in ultimate and complete control. Though on our human level of understanding there is this balance of God's prodding and our response (be it in humble submission or prideful obstinance, as you have so well written about)the metaphor of the potter is meant to ultimately present the fact that the Potter is in complete control over the clay. The potter ultimately does not mold the clay in a balance of what the clay will allow, but rather every detail is exactly as this expert potter has designed. Specifically this metaphor is used of salvation, and though it is a popular metaphor to use today, its original application is a topic that we don't like to talk about. If you read it in its context this metaphor clearly states that it is God who created some humans destined for salvation, and others destined for wrath (hell). "does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? what if God, choosing to show His wrath and make His power known, bore with great patience the objects of His wrath--prepared for destruction? what if He did this top make the riches of His glory known to the objects of His mercy, whom He prepared in advance for glory." (Rom 9:21-23)